i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
