I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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