once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
