So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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