Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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