she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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