Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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