I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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