Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think my vagina is haunted
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
