I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize