dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
