you didnt know i had herpes?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize