Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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