I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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