Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
