When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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