M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
