i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
