FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
