I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
