It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
