Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
