I think i peed on brittanys purse
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
