Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
