"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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