I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
