sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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