Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
