I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
