One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
