My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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