He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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