Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize