My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
