I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
