bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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