i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Welp...herpes.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
