Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize