i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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