All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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