barbara walters just said penis...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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