Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
how does that bad decision feel?
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