can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
