Kiss
Puke
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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