I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
