the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We have started to decorate penises.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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