And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
