Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
