Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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