I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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