Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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