I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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