my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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