i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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