I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
