you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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