so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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