dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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