I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
