she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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