the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I touched a dick in church today
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
