I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
