I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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