If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
