You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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