well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
COCAINE IS GR8
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
