I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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